Red Lizards

Today was a day between a rock and a hard place. I was highway driving alone, and I don't know about you, but the highway really seems to encourage heart-to-hearts with God. Today it was the magnificent sunset that brought me to tears. I've been finding it so hard, lately, to forgive myself. But it isn't just the forgiveness that's been struggling in my life, it's also the disconnect I've experienced with God because of it. As a perfectionist in everything I do, I find it a daily challenge to come before the Lord just as I am. No matter how many times I am told that he accepts us for who we are, I am never willing to believe that even if I can't forgive myself, the God of the Universe can.

I've done so many things that I'm not proud of. I've been in hurtful relationships, where pain was exchanged mutually, and I have hurt others alone, with my words or my deeds. I long so very much to live a life that is lived to praise God, not myself. When I relinquish the pain that so enmeshes me, God is right there, ready and willing and able to remove it from me, as far as the East is from the West.

So today, I chose to do that. All my life, I've lived by the idea that God can work through anything. What I've never really pondered over is the idea that God would probably prefer if we prayed for guidance, so that God can lead us to the path he wants to work with us on, rather than one we willy-nilly chose for ourselves. And that takes patience. And patience is the one thing I swear my whole life is for. Change doesn't come when we're comfortable. Unfortunately, change hurts, and it moves us in ways we never thought possible before. But that's the beauty of it, I suppose. One minute, I am in agony, struggling with the entanglement of sin in my life, and the next moment, Jesus lifts me up, and smiling, shows me how I just grew.

C.S. Lewis wrote a story, once, about a man who had a little red lizard on his shoulder. And an angel came to him and said, if you would only give me that lizard, so that I might kill it, you would be free to go up into heaven. But the man refused, time and time again, making many excuses for the life of the lizard. And time and time again, the angel came, until finally, the man cried out, "Be done with it!" and ripped the lizard off his shirt and threw it into the angel's hands. And at that moment, the lizard became an immaculate, golden winged horse, which took the man upon its back and flew with him up into Heaven.